Something to Think About

We really do create our own problems. I have come to realize this truth more and more, with every passing year, with each passing day. I witness indisputable evidence of this fact in every facet of our ecumean. Every enclave of our society bears guilt. We as citizens of democracy bear guilt. Our dysfunction is the direct result of an unwillingness to root out the systemic petulance, which plagues us. I see it in our country. I see it within my own family. I do not omit my own guilt. I do my best to purge myself of such human failing as I might and yet I am still at fault. I feel at times that we – collectively – have ceased to breath, to feel, to hesitate, to question, to contemplate; that this country has been lulled into a narcomatose state of remission by decades of economic prosperity. Which is my way of saying the American people have become complacent, indifferent, and entirely insulated from the rest of the world. Our delusion of cultural superiority will inevitably come crashing down in the after math of economic and political polices which can only serve to undermine the foundation of this country.
We dictate the future course of history but we remain forever powerless over the past. We are still victims of the inadequacies of our forefathers. This country is currently immersed in a cultural conflict which began in the early middle ages, and which has become compounded by the corporate interests of the industrialized war. We cannot simply extricate ourselves. So ensnared by past events we must desist momentarily to consider the implications of our actions. We –you and I - are the direct products, biologically and intellectually, of the evolution of our species. It is something to think about.

Sympathetic Connection

My whole life I have been incited to learn by the extraordinary people I have met. I owe a small part of myself to every person I have ever interacted with. I attempt to arouse the same passion for knowledge within others as I feel within myself. It cannot be disputed that despite my many flaws and failing I am deeply sincere and highly animated person. I harbor a hunger for life, which I cannot contain within my breast. These are qualities about myself that I treasure and which I am continually forced to strive against society in order to protect. I have been told repeatedly to “tone it down”, “to relax,” to be less vehement in the assertion of my views and opinions. Again and again I have been told that people are intimated by the way I present myself, and my unyielding protestation of the feudalism of our society, and the perpetuation of antiquated practices. People don’t like to be forced to address or even contemplate these issues. I believe that you can recognize the frustration I experience. Finding people with whom I can converse is exhilarating. Finding that sympathetic connection with another person is the reason I do not simply melt into the matrix of our culture. I know than that what I experience is not simply illusionary. I wish that discovering that connection with another human being was simpler but than it wouldn’t be nearly as exciting. I wish relationships were based on such a connection. Unfortunately relationships have come to refer to a socially binding, mutually beneficial, contract between two individuals. I have explored fissures and cavities within my soul; the vacant spaces in my life and in myself. I am not looking for another human being to plug the void inside me, to fill the hollow spaces and make me feel complete. I am journeying along my own path to comprehend this experience, the human condition, and the mystery of life. I am searching for the meaning of my own existence. I am not looking for fulfillment within another person. I want some to explore the empty space within me, someone who will fathom the depth of this mystery, with me.

The mind is a terrible thing to waste...

The greatest frustration of my live is our societies’ the mistaken believe that intellectual thought is an activity reserved for the classroom and as a means to establish our intellectual superiority over others, as religious piety is reserved for church, and the assertion of moral superiority over the “unbelievers”. There is - I am afraid - a growing consensus among the young that intelligence is a thing to be cultivated only by those who lack all other desirable qualities (money, physical beauty, or God given social graces). What consequences this belief might have for our country in latter years I shutter to think. Do to my relative isolation I have grown up free from the gross assertion of my peers. In truth I am starved of genuine intellectual discourse. I have a hunger for knowledge uncommon for my age, and as of yet unrivaled by any but my professors, whose age gives them the advantage over me. In the absence of simulation my mind, like the body, ejaculates on to the page without fruition, as the spasm of lust remains unfulfilled in the absence of passion. Intellectual thought is the seed, which impregnates the mind, without which nothing creatively is born. The mind can as easily starve as the body, and the mind as they say; “is a terrible thing to waste.”

Conversations with the Universe

I really wish we could have conversation. I really wish we could have relationship. I wish you could recognize me as a human being, as an individual independent of the views and assertions of my peers. I wish this could be about me, and my beliefs, views, fears, hopes, and dreams. I wish you could see me for smart, funny, remarkable girl that I am. I wish you could appreciate the fact that I don’t judge people base on the color of their skin, their religion, their political views, or their sexual orientation. I wish you could understand how I can be open to new ideas without being threatened by. I wish you could comprehend how I can embrace diversity and yet my values remain. I wish you could see the world the way I see it. I wish you could be proud of me. But I know that will never happen, because you don’t acknowledge me at all. I am an actor, a puppet, a figment of your imagination. I have a role to perform, there is plot to follow, a satisfactory conclusion to arrive at. But life doesn’t work that way. We each write our own lines, and we each have our own stories, and that is a beautiful. I’m trying to make you do any thing. You are being quite out of my control. I have ceased to expect something of people, and I have begun to accept them for what they are: flawed, imperfect creations struggling to find meaning.

The master sees things as they are
Without trying to control them.
She lets them go their own way
And resides at the center of the circle

The master does his job
And then stops
He understands that the universe
Is for ever out of control,
And that trying to dominate events,
Goes against the Tao.
Because he believes in himself,
He doesn’t try to convince others.
Because he is content with himself,
He doesn’t need others approval,
Because he accepts himself,
The whole world accepts him.
-Tao Te Ching

I’m just trying to have a conversation.

All the little pieces

I have been rethinking a lot of things. Contemplating the conundrum of nature virus nurture. How much of our make up is determined by our genetic predispositions and how much is a product of our environment. These thoughts are largely stirred by introspection. Examining the various components that fabricate our psychology and physiology.

Knowing others is wisdom;
Knowing the self is enlightenment.
Mastering others requires force;
Mastering the self requires strength;
He who knows he has enough is rich.
Perseverance is a sign of will power.
He who stays where he is endures.
To die but not to perish is to be eternally present.
- Laozi

I am compelled to analysis my own progress, my curious disposition and the state of paradox in which I exist in juxtaposition to my sister’s perplexing behavior. Is it not strange that we can be made of the same blood and bone, be raised in the same house, and yet be so different from each other? I always attributed my abnormalities to my unconventional up bringing, but now I am deprived of an explanation, which might vindicate the anomaly I represent.

I wish that...

I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch with you over the last few months things have been chaotic at best. Do you ever get the over whelming sense that you can’t do anything right? I’m sure we all feel that way sometimes. I currently feel buried under these sensations. Exhausted in the effort to correct my predicament. I wish I could emancipate my self from the contradicting expectations of those around me. I wish that for a moment I might be seen as the imperfect yet beautiful creature which God made in his image rather then the in relation to another. I am not the reflection of my friends, my family even our society. I am not simply the byproduct of our materialistic culture. I am not simply the ill begotten child of our patriarchal Western culture and post-feminist ideology. I am - as we all are – the product of millions of years of evolution, the summary of all things past, and the potential of the future. I wish that people could see other this way rather then reflections upon themselves. But then that is simply wishful thinking.